Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in caithescat's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, May 6th, 2006
11:10 am	Fault and Disdain You know, she's right when she says that I really have no desire to make friends. Which is sad, to be honest. Actually, thinking about it, it's not right. It's close. I don't have the drive to make friends. Desire, sure. Who doesn't want friends? But ever since she said that last night, I've been thinking. Why do I have this rough, lip-curled exterior in social situations? I thought I was personable. What has bittered me so much to these situations that I'd rather just be comfortable instead of going out and being uncomfortable in a new setting and situation? I am uncomfortable in some social situations, especially when I don't know anyone. It was like that in Kansas City. Took me a while to really get into it. There was a gaming store across the street that I went to and hung out at. I didn't really start interacting with people there for a couple weeks, though. Why is that? I can make excuses for now. The way I am now, here. Mason City sucks. It does. Most people around here don't do a whole lot, at least the people I know. They have families and sit at home and do nothing but just watch TV and sleep between bouts of work. Me, I don't even have work right now. Oh good, now Nicole is logging on to talk to me. This is exactly why I don't like having friends, or making new ones. Nicole. I fell in love with her in one night. One fucking night back in 1999. Now she's asking me to go and get Sudafed so she can give it to a meth cooker and get some money. This is why I don't like people around here. They just befriend you because they want something from you, and when they got you hooked, they just keep coming back and using you. I told Nicole I didn't think it was such a good idea. Things with Sam seem so up and down. It's hard to tell sometimes. It's been so long since I've actually had a real honest to Christ relationship that I'm still rusty. Not to mention the fact it's a completely different lifestyle that I'm not sure I can pull off, at least to what Sam is wanting. She needs someone that can do more than I can. I thought I was dominant. What I've come to realize is that I'm not so much dominant as just disdainful and apathetic. Neither of those is very good in a dominant. So what am I? What kind of seeds have been planted in me? Sam pointed out that she believes I've isolated myself ever since my father died, and I have. After he passed, I shut myself in my room and closed off the world. When my grandmother died later that year, it just pushed me further away. Then there was Katie... One problem is that if you make yourself an outcast, others will treat you as an outcast. Other than my close friends, I was shunned, and it hurt. I was impressionable as a kid and the pain of being rejected and made fun of because of my body and my shyness just drove me further inward to the point that when I began to latch on to people, I was setting myself up for deep depression that would lead to "suicide attempts" that were nothing more than cries for help. Then college... gah. What a mix of emotions and situations. First, finally feeling strong friendships form, and then connections with more than one person, turning to love with Yenia, and then losing all that and replacing it with drugs and other "friends" that just put that old feeling back into me. Disdain. Then moving back here, finding everyone I ever knew was gone or too busy to hang out with. Finding everyone had changed, including me, and things could never be the same. Then Nicole, and then Amy. Is it my fault? Yes. Everything is my fault, at least that's the way it feels. I make so many mistakes day in and day out that there are days that I do feel like ending it all. Or at least just shutting down and not letting myself feel anything. Why should I feel? It's not like it really does me any good. All people do is use you and then decide you're not worth it anymore. I can feel my walls going up, but I'm not sure I want them to. I -like- having friends. The problem, as I see it, is that I'm so jaded, so disdainful of people in general that I just feel more comfortable being on my own, or having just a couple friends that I talk to when I feel like it. Is that selfish? Hell yes. I get into doing things and get interrupted and I get snappy. My fault? Yes. Everything is my fault. Put the blame on me, folks. I do. I'm used to it. Just let me drive myself further into isolation and away from this world all you guys share. I'm selfish, anti-social, disdainful, and the fault of everything that's ever happened to me. Current Mood: guilty (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 4th, 2006
7:45 pm	wouldn't it be interesting if this was my last night on earth? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
3:11 am	My thoughts exactly... You are a Self-Discoverer You're not religious, but you've created your own kind of spirituality. Introspective and thoughtful, you tend to look inward for the divine. You are distrusting of all forms of organized religion. You especially dislike religious gurus and leaders, who you feel are charlatans. What's Your Religious Philosophy? Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
2:09 am	Dishonesty The crazy thing is, and the end of the day, I cause more pain then happiness. When all is said and done, when the chips are finally going to be counted, what exactly am I going to really have? What kind of person am I really? How many mistakes have I made? I can't even begin to guess. Every time I open my mouth, it seems like a mistake. A mistake to get up, a mistake to lay down. And these are just the little ones. These aren't the big mistakes. Sam told me, before I even met her, that she is a person that causes changes in people's lives. I'm still trying to figure out what change that is, because I was making mistakes before she got here, and I'm still making them. Not only am I making these god-awful mistakes, I'm compounding it. It's gaining interest, and eventually the bank is going to call. Normally, when I get credit bills in the mail, I just toss them away. Disregard them. The karma on my soul is tipping dangerously in the wrong direction. Something bad is going to happen. Something very, very bad. I don't know what it is. I probably won't know until it gets here, but there's something. All the mistakes that I've made, all the decisions that I've made. I used to think I was a nice person. I used to think that I was someone that helped people. I realize now, after all this, that I'm nothing of the sort. I'm a person that takes and takes, and gives nothing real in return. I'm not sure how it happened. I'm not sure when it began. Oh, I could take a guess. I could take a good guess, but that's not the point. The point is, I'm not who I want to be. After all this reflection, after sitting and looking at the handfull of pills and wondering if I should just take them and go to sleep, I realize that I'm causing more harm than good. I light up a cigarette, because I feel the need.. and I realize that decision has only caused harm. And that's the easy one. If I met myself... if I were someone else and I looked at myself, I wonder what I'd think. Well, let's just run this down, shall we? I'm a dishonest prick. I like to think that I'm open and nice, but nice doesn't mean honest. My father hated dishonesty. I can't even imagine what he'd think of me right now. I keep making the same mistakes over and over. No matter how many times they seem to happen, the same situations keep coming up, and the same mistakes are made. Oh, I say I learn, but it really doesn't seem like I do. I treat others as if they were beneath me. I easily anger at slights that aren't really even directed at me. I'm passive aggressive. And that might be the worst trait of all. As I look over these things inside myself, I realize that I'm no different then when I was loathing myself for being a gullible, emotional worm. I wanted to grow a backbone, to get stronger, and I did, but in the wrong way. I became stronger in keeping myself hidden. Keeping everything seperated. Playing this incessent game that only I am really playing. Why do I do this? Does it make me happy? Maybe, in the short time, it does. But you know, like I said earlier, when the final tally is counted up, I am going to owe. Big. My soul is so thin, so shallow, that I'm not sure there's any depth to it anymore. Sam can see right through me. It doesn't anger me that she can, but she's been so fucking right about everything... so open and honest, outfront and upfront with me. Why should she have to put up with anything less, especially from someone she says she loves? She shouldn't. She shouldn't have to put up with me, but she does. I'm a prick for letting it get this far. I'm a fucking liar, I'm a fucking prick, and I'm a fucking detestable human being. I used to really revel in the idea of being the black sheep of the family. I used to like being the hedonist, but I'm not the right kind of person for that. The mirror has been held up in front of me, and I don't like what I see. I reach for the mirror to shatter it on the ground, only to find my hand passes right through it because I've not stepped up to make the changes that would let me clutch that reflective piece of polished glass. There aren't many people that can just say a few sentences and make me sit down and really think, examine, and decide for myself what I want. But I did decide what I want. I've been left alone to my own devices for so long, helped along on this path by people that I've taken advantage of, taken what I needed from, and then left behind. What does that get me? It gets me an empty bed. It gets me an empty home. I don't want this. I don't want the endgame to be so damning that there is no redemption. Maybe my parents were right all along when they spoke of honor, decency, and honesty. Honesty. That's what this boils down to. That's what I'm not. I have so many secrets, so many hidden truths that I'm not sure what the truth really -is-. I've covered myself up with so many cliches, so many blankets of comfort and hedonism, that I've forgotten what the sun looks like. I'm drowning in my own creations, my own lies, my own devices. The only light I can see comes from somewhere beside me, somewhere I'm not sure where. It's just enough light to see into that mirror, see the things around me, creeping in, whispering to me what the final score will be, and what will truly be remembered. Sometimes, you just can't cover up that light. Sometimes, you don't want to. Sometimes, you have to feel pain to see the truth. Current Mood: damaged, lost, and in pain (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
2:45 am	More Quizzes Fun things, even if they are rather strange... The Five Love Languages My primary love languages are probably Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. Complete set of results Physical Touch: 9 Words of Affirmation: 9 Quality Time: 7 Acts of Service: 5 Receiving Gifts: 0 Information Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others. Take the quiz The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality According to my answers, it is likely that I identify as Heterosexual with some homosexuality. Complete set of results Heterosexual with some homosexuality: 5 Sequential bisexual: 3 Past homosexual, currently heterosexual: 2 Concurrent bisexual: 1 Asexual: 0 Heterosexual: 0 Homosexual: 0 Homosexual with some heterosexuality: 0 Past heterosexual, currently homosexual: 0 Information The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was devised by Larry Kurdek, B. Berkey and T. Perelman-Hall. It is an extension of the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, recognising that sexual identities can change over time, people can identify with more than one sexual identity, and that asexuality is a valid sexual identity. The Multidimensional Scale of Sexuality was published in the "Journal of Homosexuality" in 1990. Take the quiz Klein Sexual Orientation Grid I scored an average of 2.29 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 Heterosexual Bisexual Homosexual Meaning This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale: 0 = exclusively heterosexual 1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual 2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual 3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual 4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual 5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual 6 = exclusively homosexual Summary The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us. Take the quiz (Comment on this)
2:36 am	Skimming Along I'm amazed that even though it seems like I've come so far, I still have these things inside me that remind me of the way I used to be. Just little things, really. Emotions, thoughts. Most of the time I don't think about them, but sometimes I can't -stop- thinking about them. They seem to just be hanging there. Right now, it's a big dose of worry. Am I making Sam happy? Is it something that happened so fast that the rest of it might just wear off? The rational part of me, the grown up part of me, says that I'm being stupid, that I have nothing to worry about. I suppose it's the child in me, then. The child that asks if the usual feeling is true. Am I supposed to be alone? Don't get me wrong. I love Sam dearly. I love her more than I really thought possible. We're good friends, and that just makes things all the much better. Then, that stupid nagging thought in my head creeps up, poking it's head out into the auditory part of my inner-self and says, "And how many girls have told you they just want to be friends?" The rational part of me answers, "The ones that said that didn't even want to be friends. They were just trying to not hurt my feelings." "If you look at it like that," the poking head of my paranoia snerks, "then you're putting your feelings in the hands of everyone else, and you're bound to get hurt." Rational shakes his head. "I disagree," he states diplomatically. "You can feel for other people and enjoy the way they feel about you without getting hurt." Can you see the problem here? I'm arguing with myself, and I'm not winning on either side. In fact, it seems like I'm losing on both ends here. Gah, what the hell am I saying? This is idiotic, seriously. Shut the fuck up, man, and just live it. Live life and feel with raw passion and just.. fucking.. do it. Do what? Shit, I have no idea. It could really be anything. I could just put myself to bed and fall asleep with my dreams, or I could try and entice the woman I love into bed with me. Or I could stay out here and just, you know, do whatever. Keep playing zSNES or something. The crazy thing is that we both are so similar in the aspect that we sit at our computers, hardly say maybe a few words to each other over the course of an hour or so, and then still feel so much for each other. I'm happy, I'm content, I'm hopped up on painkillers. I just remember the last time I felt this way... Current Mood: lethargic (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 11th, 2006
2:40 am	Another night in Paradise What kind of creature is the female? That question has just about made everyone that has a penis between their thighs tremble and quiver. I have the easy answer. I have figured it out. The female is the female. Sound simplistic? Perhaps, but the truth is far deeper than that little sentence seems to be. Sure, it looks short and without any real thought, but who am I if not a deep thinker? The female is the female, to me, means that each is their own person. You can't figure out women as a whole because each of them is so totally different. What applies to one doesn't apply to another. There's absolutely no way you can understand "women". You understand "a woman". That's the key, fellas. Not that it's that easy, either. I mean, "a woman" is just as complex as anything you could ever chance across. It can take years for you to decipher what one woman is, and even then, the old axiom does apply: a woman has the right to change her mind. Think of it like trying to diffuse a nuclear warhead. The sweat is dripping down your forehead. The detonator and wires are right in front of you. You know that the time is ticking down.. the warhead is about to make your hometown look like the moon. You also know (through your years of training) that you need to cut the blue wire. Just as you are about to cut it, though, the nuclear warhead changes it's mind... I think the red one will be my power cord from now on. It's as simple as that. So, what to do? Does it seem hopeless now? It's neither hopeless or easy. The truth of it, like the truths of many things, is murky and grey. How do you please a woman? Each is different. Each needs something different, and usually that something different changes with each day, hour, or even minute. ..............................yeah. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I think I'm being too cerebral about it all, trying to write something instead of just -writing-, so fuck it, I'm just going to write. Just let it all flow and see where it goes, damn the gods and rape the kitties. Yes, I actually thought that, so I wrote it. Not that I want to fuck kitties or anything. Pussies, yes. Kitties, eh, no. Not really my thing, you know? So here I am, sitting next to Sam while she plays Dungeon Master, pondering what to do. I have this feeling that I shouldn't have come home from work. I should have just toughed it out and not been such a wimp. If I hadn't had come home, then Sam wouldn't have gotten into such a fight with Deneb. How is it, seriously, that if I think about anything that happens, I can usually trace it back to myself? It's quite disconcerting to think you are the central figure as to why things happen. It must suck to be one of those people. What the fuck are they called.. I don't know. On to the next thought, since they are coming on now.. So I just look over at Sam and I smile. You know how hard that is to find? Thanks, Stephen. Thanks, Tom. I'm not trying to be a dick, really, and I've still got certain walls up inside me somewhere, just in case. But things seem to be going good. We hit on so many levels it's scary sometimes. I might be a little more passive than I should be, more than Sam needs, but it's a time to adjust. I've found a place inside me that has a controller, a dominant. Been reading books on it. Oh, which reminds me. I should probably take a look online and see what people say here too. Right now, though, I just want to walk over to Sam and lead her into the bedroom so I can hold her, talk to her, spank her, do whatever it is that she needs to just relax and be comfortable. I have to honestly say I don't like it when she's like this. Not that I don't like her. I love her. It just pains me to see that she is in distress and it's hard for me to ferret out what exactly to do. That's why I started this post the way I did. Am I doing things correctly? I seem to be. "You're not going to want to get in here," she said. "Why not?" I said. "You taking another hot shower?" She nodded. "You're not going to like it." "I don't care," I said. "What?" "I said, I don't fucking care." And then I climbed into the scorching hot shower with her. I don't care about a little discomfirt. I needed to make her feel comforted and protected. She needed to know someone was really on her side, and I am. No matter what, I'm going to support her. Come heaven or hell, from this point out, we're a team. Which makes me kinda.. nervous. If she were to wake up tomorrow and decide that she want to leave, I'd be brokenhearted, but I would let her leave, of course, and I would wish her the best and remain friends with her until one of us died. Do I.. fuck. I don't remember what I was going to type. I am so tired. It just hit me. I closed my eyes and felt myself going out. I should end this here. I have someone I need to take care of. Someone that's trusted me with her love, with her body, with her everything. I've never been given so much. It's an awesome responsibility, but it's one I take on willingly. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 5th, 2006
2:03 pm	okay i have to do this fast before i lose the dream. it was an incredible, epic type dream. i don't even remember how it started, except that I was in Kansas City and on a whim, I decided to check out the band Was (Not Was). Go figure. So I'm reading a website and what not and I realize, fuck, they're not my favorite 80s electronic way-the-fuck-out-there band. Information Society is. So, along with my girlfriend, who, strangely morphed between Amy, Sam, and Krissi (of all people) throughout this dream, I check on IS and find they're actually in Kansas City too. Some how, I end up going over there and meeting this wild guy. I can't remember the guy's name from the dream or RL. The way that IS got explained to me was totally fucked up and he wasn't all that much older than me so it would have made him a kid when IS was 'big'. We start shooting the shit, hanging out, and suddenly we're invited to do all kinds of crazy shit with him and this extended family of his. Wow, what fucked up shit. Okay, let's see if I can list all the crap in this I can remember.. The guy insisting that we paint the roof of this 'church' that is inside his house. Showing me his holographic diner program that he built in two weeks. A snowstorm that caused my MINI-VAN! to spin out, hit the curb, knock every window and windshield out of it's frame. A group of music mixers coming in and remixing NIN's Closer with a Japanime voice. Finding a picture of this guy when he was like, eight, singing in a microphone. Hearing Seek 2000. Again. A guy in the church we were supposed to paint (but never did) being told by this main guy in the dream to go through the door on the right, but not the one on the left.. after which we went through the door on the left. Taking this huge.. truck with some kind of payroll and it breaking down then three crazy looking cars come up, stop, and these guys with automatic paint guns get out and start shooting. This same guy in my dream, coming out of this house as I'm running in, shooting back with his own auto paint gun. Sticking my foot in my mouth to a joke I try to make to a guy that turns out to be black. Seeing an amazing collection of stolen musical gear that this guy has accumulated over the years complete with the painted on names of the music groups he got them from. I keep wanting to say the guy's name was Kurt Vonnegut, but I know that's not right. I'm going to have to seriously look this up on the internet. I know there was a guy that kinda looked like the guy in my dream that was in IS, but this one was so much different. The name, seriously, that keeps popping up, is 'Wendy'. Yeah. But this guy had long black hair in semi-dreadlocks, pale skin, and dressed in a goth way that wasn't -too- goth. Black, yes, but his attitude wasn't goth. His attitude was like, 'Hey fuck it, if it's fun, I'm there.' I think by the end of the dream I was looking at him like an older brother. His family had this strange gypsy-like life. Even though they had a place, they travelled a lot, knew a LOT of shit, and they tended to steal things they wanted. Really odd. Man, what else happened in this dream? Ended up spending two nights there in that house. I remember a few of the rooms I found there. One was this darkened bar area that was totally awesome. Black with dark blues, low light, modern-stone like feel, but warm as well. Lights coming from the ground instead of the ceiling. Made for a wicked scene. Another was an auditorium that was much like the 'church'. Don't remember much about it. I think I might remember other things from the movie-dream.. we'll have to see. I kinda want to. I didn't know I could dream up cool shit like this. What an amazing dream. Current Mood: energetic (Comment on this)
Friday, February 24th, 2006
8:49 pm	Suck I really don't know why I took Sam over to my ex-wife's place. Kinda a bad mistake on my part. No, not really kinda. It was. At least she feels similarly towards Kenny as I do. I just don't trust the guy, nor anything he says. He's told me some things that Crystal will refute. Who am I going to believe? Someone I have known and loved for many years, or someone that I don't respect or think is worth the time? I only really went over there to see Twyla, and that hurt. She's not living with Crystal anymore, but with Mark, and that's going to make me seeing her all the more difficult. Work tonight is going to suck. I'm going to have to think about other things, but there is a great thing to think about, sitting right here next to me, just a few feet away. Even in the face of the situation, I can look over at Sam and smile. It's a very pleasurable thing. We don't even have to talk all the time. We are sitting here, both typing and listening to music, but I know that things are going well for us. We've actually started to use the 'L' word. Normally it takes me so long, but I feel so comfortable around her. Clicking on a whole lot of levels, meshing together like we were either made for each other, or our forms are so malleable that we just slide against each other like melted wax being mixed together, slowly, our different colors mingling and forming something else as it hardens and grasps the wick, ready to be lit... I have to wonder how far this will really go. By my history, just going by the girlfriends that I've had, this one should last -years-. Have been with Amy for almost six years, which would mean this one should last at least.. gods.. thirty? I just hope I live that long. 60 would be a nice age to reach. It feels like I'm going to fall asleep right here in the chair, and I've not really done anything today. In fact, Sam made a great dinner. That's something else I haven't said here yet. This girl can cook. I always told Jack that if he ever divorced Krissi, I'd marry her just for the fact that she's a good cook alone. Never mind the fact that Krissi loves anal and Jack doesn't. Poor Jack. Doesn't know what he's missing. Well, I suppose I should start to get ready for work. Truck is coming in tonight. Something like 1300 pieces. Hopefully I'm only scheduled 7 hours tonight so I can come home and get some sleep. I love short days at work.. and I can't wait for Sunday. I can just imagine how much Sam will make me melt this weekend. I just hope she doesn't get tired of me. It's a nagging feeling, and one that shows that I'm still a rather wounded creature inside. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to have to wake up alone. It feels really good to crawl in bed after I get home while Sam is sleeping. You know, I just had a thought. The other Sam, Chris's girlfriend.. I had a thing for her pretty hard a while back. Also had a good friend in college named Sam that I had been thinking of a little bit lately, wondering what he's been up to and where he's made it to. Maybe just a coincidence? Or precursor? Tonight is going to suck at work. Current Mood: moody (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 19th, 2006
7:09 am	Just Another Day, Just Another Good Day I am still so very exhausted. I only got a few hours of sleep a couple times yesterday, first when I got home and then later when I tried to nap, which turned into... something that felt so good. I wish I could get rid of this pain in my chest. It started at work and has gotten a little worse as time got closer to when I would leave, and sitting here, relaxing, it's still paining me. I hope a good, hot shower will allow me to relax some more. Bed is calling quite loudly. I plan tomorrow to only relax, recouperate. You'd have to, really, if you had the last thirty-six hours I've had. So Sam calls me up and says, "James isn't going to make it and I feel like I'm going to fall apart." Probably shouldn't use the quotes, since it's not a -direct- quote, but it's close enough to the mark to really make the point. So, instead of tomorrow, she got here yesterday. It didn't take long at all. A shared hot shower later, we were locked in an embrace of pure need. I needed to hold someone so tight, to mesh with them the way we did, and I felt a similar need from her. Jesus. You know, I had a difficult time getting hard sometimes when I was having sex with Lori or Heather. Not that they didn't arouse me, but, eh, just really weren't all that, you know? Lori could suck my balls dry quicker than.. well, pretty damn fast. Heather was strangely erotic in her own right. Maybe I'll write more about her later. Quite the strange creature. Anyway, sitting here and thinking about the night before.. or the day before... fuck it's so hard to keep things straight when you work overnights. I had to ask someone at work what day it was, but you have to ask the two-day stretch. Is this Monday night, Tuesday morning? Really odd. I get off track pretty good, huh? So the night before, we're just going at it like two people that just. Fucking. Need. It. Thinking about it now even makes me slightly hard, as exhausted as I am. I do need to talk to Sam about a couple of things, though nothing bad at all. I just want to make sure that we don't lose the real reason I wanted her here, and that's to focus on her. Not to make things all about her or anything, but just give her the time and space to find herself. I think she really needs to do that. She's been searching for so long... cast out by family, friends, lovers... those she thought she could trust, those she SHOULD have been able to trust, damn, I can't imagine what that's been like. All I can do is give her respite, safe haven, a place for her to grow into the woman she will become. It's not my job to create the person she will become, but as a friend (a very close friend, even closer now), it's my job to help her along her own path, steady her walk over icy parking lots, make her laugh at the idea of "sperm death row", and give her the true love of friendship. I don't think she's ever really had someone give it to her for any length of time without something negative happening. She says she is always accompanied by bad luck and bad things happening. I just hope she understands that, in this place, it doesn't matter one damn bit. Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 18th, 2006
4:41 pm	beginning of a new... forgive the fact that i'm not going to use caps. i am exhausted, drained. i knew it would be difficult, but damn.. i am beyond tired at this point. i shared a bed with someone last night for the first time in a long, long time. as you can expect, we didn't get much sleep. my ego is nicely pleased to know i gave her eleven orgasms before i even had one. that's how to get someone really want you bad.. this is going to be really interesting. i'd talk more but i'm just so tired. left at three-thirty yesterday afternoon, got back here at just after eight a.m. the next morning. so that's a little over sixteen hours of being out and about, mostly driving. i'm surprised i didn't just fall asleep in the car. i guess i have her to thank for that. we clicked like two horny african tribesmen that hadn't seen each other in a decade. click, click, bloody click, pancakes! yeah, so, bedtime. work in a little bit. i really need the sleep. now i just need to keep myself out of jail, and not miss anymore work. Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
7:20 am	just read and accept it To accept is divine. I've been thinking about it all night at work. Okay, maybe not -all- night, but long enough to make me want to write a little something about this. If you boil every argument, every skirmish, every war even, down to it's very essence, you'll notice a recurring theme. There is a complete lack of acceptance. Take, for instance, the United States government at the present moment. With everything that is going on, we can break it down to a lack of acceptance. Some people like to argue about the particulars. Some people say we don't approve of their way of life or their religion. Others say we are doing it because we don't accept their style of life and feel we must do what we can, whatever it may be, to "free" people, even if they really don't like us very much. This is the same kind of mentality that creates bigots. This is the same state of mind that makes people want to beat up homosexuals, different races, different spiritualities... the list can go on for quite some time. The point is, people are not wanting to accept others as they are and instead create for themselves: fear, prejudice, anger, jealousy, envy, and a host of other emotions that are hostile in their basic form. Why can't we just accept people for the way they are? Why do we have to strike at people just because they see things a little differently than we do? You know, if we were all white, male conservatives, this world would grow very, very boring in a brief amount of time. What's wrong with a little flavor? What's wrong with a little color among the masses to make our minds sit up and take notice? According to the people that don't accept what (or who) is different than they are, the "different" people need to be brought into the "right" way of thinking and acting. You know, there was a group of people like that about seventy years ago. I hear there still might be some books around about them. Hope you can read German. What kind of hate mongers have Americans (those from the United States, not just any American country - and I know, people from Peru and Canada are still Americans, but what would you have me call people living in the USA? United Statesians? Doesn't make sense.) become? We are moving forward as a species, evolving into something that is far greater than what we are right now, and the ones that are truly holding us back are the ones that don't want any kind of change, any kind of progress, any kind of acceptance, of what is laying ahead of us. For our sake, just accept. Accept the fact that not everyone thinks like you. Accept the fact that not everyone sees the world and the events taking place in the same light as you. Accept that your God might not be my God. Accept that life is short, and if you sit around and worry about the people that are different than you, you're going to be rather surprised to find that the true meaning of life is to have fun and be yourself. You only get a short time here, and none of us knows how long that time is. If you don't learn to just accept, when that moment comes, you might just be mad at yourself for not opening yourself up to the minds and experiences of others. And no, I'm not saying that you should suddenly start living a different way or behaving in a manner that isn't ourselves. You have to remain true to yourself. But if someone you know quite well makes a revelation to you that seems so strange and so "different" that you aren't sure you'll ever think of them the same way again, remember what they were like before they told you. They are essentially the same person. Only you have changed. Your perception of them has changed. What you have to ask yourself is... do I now feel differently towards this person because they look at things totally different than I do, or do I accept them as who they are? Which seems the harder choice? Which is the harder thing to really do? The only person that is really going to be affected by this is situation is yourself. Acceptance is the next big step for humanity, I believe. Not scientific breakthroughs. Not reaching Mars. Not even wide-use of cars that run on water. The acceptance of these things, and of people in general, will put us together like we have never been before. With acceptance, there'd be no hate. With acceptance, there'd be no wars, no attrition, no riots... with acceptance, there would be, for the first time, peace. I accept who I am. Not many people would if they truly knew me. If they knew the kind of person I am inside, most people would think I'm some kind of deviant, a strange quirk of the process of human evolution that just... isn't... normal. But it doesn't bother me. I can live with myself. I accept other people, too. I don't judge. I don't have preconceived notions about how others act and how they should act. Case in point, I play on Denver ShadowRun. There are two characters, female, that are a "couple", and when I first logged in, and noticed they spent most of their time together in one room, I figured it was just two people having fun. I don't care if they have cyber-sex around the clock. What is it to me? That's their decision and their lives. They can do whatever the hell they please with the time they have on this earth. More power to you two. However, it became clear that some people on the game were... upset. It struck me as odd to find out that some people looked down on this kind of behaviour. Why? What's wrong with it? Are the people that make barbed remarks jealous or something? I don't get it. Seriously, someone try to explain it to me. If two people want to create two females to have lesbian cyber-sex, what's the real harm in it? I bet ninety-five percent of the people that said something unkind to either of them have some kind of lesbian pornography on their computers. Quit being jealous and just accept. Accept the fact that life isn't the straight-line, down-the-middle, cruise control experience you thought it would be. That's what makes life worth living. The differences between us are what make friendships possible. Can you imagine what the world would be like if everyone was just like you? Let's take sex for instance... Would you want to have sex with you? I know I wouldn't. No offense (none taken), but I'm just not my type. The differences between us make us who we are. Thrive on that. Accept it. Learn from the people that are different from you. Acceptance will bring us together. Rejection tears us apart. Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
11:32 pm	you get what you give Something that someone rather special to me said tonight sparked a thought in me. It's been kinda brewing for a little bit, since the night before when someone else gave me a good amount of advice. Please forgive my rambling at this point. I'm tired and getting ready to go to bed so I can get that damned community service done and get the probation officer the fuck off my back. Man he's screwing things tight. Anyway, the point on this is the If I Scratch Your Back Will You Scratch Mine? problem a lot of people have. Why do people think that just because they do something nice for someone, they have to be repaid? When the hell did "thank you" become so worthless? You hear it all over the place, you know. Thank you for this, thank you for that. It's beginning to lose it's power because of the false feelings that are truly behind it. People say it if they just want the situation to end, or feel guilty and want to not feel like that anymore. When did "thank you" stop meaning thank you? When did friendship start coming with a price tag? When did we start counting boons and IOUs? What the fuck has happened? Call me old-fashioned if you want, but goddamn it, you know, if I do something nice for someone, I don't expect anything in return. I do it because I'm a fucking nice guy and I fucking like doing good things. I like seeing people smile. I hate seeing people in pain. The worst of it comes when someone expects something that's totally uncalled for. I hate to use this reason, but nothing else really illustrates it well. I've been told of some people (and there are more than just a couple here) that say they want to be "friends" and then expect some sex or other kind of relationship that just isn't possible or wanted. This is little above prostitution and it can really hurt the other person. Remember how I said I don't like seeing people in pain? Right. Get this in your heads, people. Read this and learn it. You only get what you give. If you give misery, all you get will be misery. If you don't believe me, then talk to the people that have been left behind because they treated someone with a "friendship" where they thought they were entitled to things that they simply weren't going to get. See the misery they are feeling. You get what you give. I don't have a lot of friends because I'm just different. I'm not like any of you, and I like it that way. I am damn proud of who I am and I'm not going to change who I am just because someone else suggests something. I get what I give. While I don't have any more than maybe five friends in this whole world, I'd give my life for any of them. It's just how I feel about friendship. Don't feel bad if you're not on "The List". Most people aren't, and it's not personal. I consider friendship a sacred thing and I will just not blindly give it away. I used to, and it got me hurt. This is the result. But those friends I will do almost anything for. Yeah, I know, I said I'd die for them and I would. That's not a high price to pay for friendship for me. And you know what? I didn't "pay" for any of them. I didn't put any expectations on them. If they wanted to return my friendship, then great. I can be a great friend because I am -willing- to do these things, and I do it without any second thought or expectation. I get what I give. Having few friends has left me lonley, but I can live with that. I know, somewhere down the line, someone is going to fall hard for me, just like I will fall hard for them. I might already know them, I might not. Might be male, might be female. Who knows? Definitely not me. You get what you give. So stop fucking around and give a little bit of yourself at least. You could be surprised at the amount you actually get back. You might not get it today, you might not get it tomorrow... but you will get it. You will get what's coming for you. Karma's a bitch, isn't it? I'll be laughing my ass off when I'm set and happy for the rest of my life and the rest of you are still wondering why you are getting back nothing but misery. Good night. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Monday, February 13th, 2006
6:31 am	have to love the good things in life This is so incredibly strange. I haven't felt like this in a long, long, LONG time. So I went to work and my ankle started acting up and I felt like coming home. Yes, my ankle hurt but the reason I wanted to come home was that I had a Rather Bad Day. I knew the reason. I just didn't say anything. I knew it totally. I feel like I'm bi-polar or something. Jesus. Up, down, up... and I -know-. I fucking -know-. Wow. Damn. I don't think it's going to be easy to sleep at all. I feel like a love-sick teenager, and as much as I hate to admit it, I fucking LOVE it. Dance, magic dance... Learning to fly.. There's no mood selector in the thingy below to really describe how I feel. (My god, did I just say 'thingy'?) Not going to write much right now. She's going to call and I really don't want to miss that. There are no real words for this. Current Mood: On Top Of The Fucking World (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 12th, 2006
4:25 pm	My Perfect Ring of Scars (don't read too much into this... I'm just getting some feelings out. I'm tired, achy, and too thoughtful today). It really does hurt so much sometimes. I can feel the ache in my muscles, in my body. They cry out to me, each trying to get my attention so they can tell me about their pain, their struggle. Fatigue sets in and begins to cloud over the sun, growing darker and darker, closing off the entire world to me. I miss things. Today is so difficult, for several reasons. I am so tired, so very tired. I'm tired of this place, I'm tired of my face. I don't think I like today, it's the price for yesterday. Sometimes I feel abused, sometimes I'm just too much. Sometimes I want to be used, sometimes I just want to sleep. I'm listening to some particuarly down songs today to amplify my mood. Sometimes it feels good to be... lost. Sometimes it's how I am able to search and find myself, especially without anyone really around. I don't think I've spoken today except for the time I spent on the phone earlier, and even then I wasn't sure what to say. Not that I was uncomfortable. Sometimes, it's just more interesting to listen, and I really like listening to her. Heh. I remember when I first started to get interested in Merielle. Never have known anyone else that could actually bring me down off a killer pot high just by talking. Left a bad taste in my mouth. So did her lips. She knew how to kiss, and it wasn't bad, but the lingering effects I didn't like. Kissing those lips that spoke so.. unendingly.. about herself just seemed like the wrong kind of reward to give them. It was pretty good weed. Some days, I don't even make a sound. If I'm here by myself and don't go out, I may not say any words. I might only make a few sounds like a laugh or sigh. Maybe I might sing or, rather, scream along with a song or three. Like this one on now. I wish I could show that kind of emotion in my own music. I ponder bed, thinking of the soft flannel sheets that comfort me, bringing to mind the two pillows - one used for a pillow, the other used to hold the place of whoever will decide I'm worth the time and energy. Is it strange that I actually cuddle with a pillow? It seems so odd to me sometimes. The pillow is hardly the size of an adult, being more like the size of an infant, but I don't think it really matters. At least the pillow is there when I walk into my bedroom. It doesn't mind being held every night. If it does, it hasn't said anything. Crash Test Dummies. What an interesting song. Have you really listened to the words of MmmMmmMmmMmm? They're singing about being outcasts in childhood, kids who have absolutely no control over what is going on in their lives. I remember the video to this song, vaguely. I do remember the lead singer actually smiling through this. When I listen to the song, it drains my face of any kind of smile. It's a beautiful song, nicely written. Good harmonies and nice changes along the chordlines throughout the song, and the guy's voice is kinda like a younger version of Type O Negative. To me, they had a really powerful piece of poetry here. I wonder what happened to them. Sometimes, I wonder what happened to a lot of people I never hear about or hear from anymore. Like John Brian, Shawn Grigson, Mendy Adair, Yenia Zaba, Mac West, Gordon Dees, Eric Black, James Yohe, Vincent Meserve, Wooly Dave, Ashley, Buster Rochelle and all the rest of the Kappa Sigmas, Collete - that girl that dated James' brother David, Pepper, Kevin, Rob Leak, Charlie Maynard, even that one big black guy in the dorms that went around pissing on people's doors he didn't like. Can't remember for the life of me what his name was, but I can still remember his big goofy face as he walked around in a daze, usually either so drunk or high on pot. Attribute that last part to "The Sweater Song" by Weezer. Team 27 covered that song while I watched them perform the year before I joined the band. Made me think of the guys in the band and everyone else I no longer see or talk to. Ah, yes, Petshop Boys - Living in Sin. What a wonderful find. Another beautifully played song and the guy's voice is perfect for the tone of the song. I like the words too. Songs really have to have good lyrics for me to really like them... and when you go away i start to weep you're an expensive girl to keep isn't it sweet i don't where to begin, living in sin how can you talk, look where i've been... I am really, really trying to not think of why I am feeling this way. I don't want to acknowledge what I feel the real reason is. It's hiding in the back of my mind, eating away at my resistance.. my body fights back with the sleepiness, trying to goad me into the warm embrace of the sheets and the pillows so I don't come to the conclusion I know I will. I can't be this weak, can I? Really? I don't want to be this weak. Not already. It's the first taste of a sweet, sweet wine. It's the beginnings that are the most emotional, the most harsh on the mind and the body. At least for me, they are, for everything. Even when I'm sitting down to watching a football game. The first few minutes are so much more emotional for me. After a while, I settle in a bit and settle down and I can enjoy the little nuances and the fact that I can just sit and watch my favorite team play. Maybe a bad analogy, but I'm trying to get it out without really giving it away. If I am too open about it, I will be acknowledging the validity of the reason why I am feeling this way, and I don't want to do that. Not yet. Ah, another Nine Inch Nails song. You know, for all the times I've actually listened to NIN since I was in about tenth grade, I find myself not really so much moved by the words anymore. It's both comforting and saddening at the same time. Maybe I should go lay down. If Sam gets her 'net back, then I'll be awake enough to finish that run. ...... Too close, too close. It almost came out. Not yet.. please, not yet. Current Mood: listless (Comment on this)
12:58 am	Good day, good day ......an interesting day to say the least. So, I just learned that Bubasti takes a peek every now and again at this. It's not just Sam. Boy, don't I feel a little embarrassed. Heh. But it feels kinda good to know something I wrote is able to connect with someone else. I try to speak plainly without being too vulgar, too vague. I just try to lay it out exactly the way it is. Sometimes I'm right, more often than not, I'm wrong. And, as a note to Bubasti (or anyone else), you can take a look at www.dyingdays.com/collier.html for some other things I wrote several years ago. I think that's the page, anyway. Sam's read them and she kinda likes them, so.. oh, and also, not sure if you know this or not. I was the one that wrote Coda's/Lohr's background on Denver. I'm glad you liked it. You should see how his first "shadowrun" is going. Sam's turning him into a fricking -father-, for fuck's sake. I can't wait to play some more tomorrow. Which is why this journal entry will be relatively short. I tend to go crazy when I write. Just go out and write as hard and as honestly as I can. Lay it all out. I'm not ashamed of who I am anymore. If someone has a problem with me, then that person has a problem. Not my deal. Not my situation. Just glad I don't have to deal with other people's problems. So, it looks like I might be moving again. I can't wait to hear what my parents say to this. I've been pacing around all day. My hands are cold, my heart is beating fast. I might have to tell you later, Bubasti, about how things work out. It may be that I've been both right and wrong all along. Being friends first is a must, yes, but perhaps the time isn't needed, which is going to bring me to tonight's little "rant", and that's about people that are on the "rebound" out of a bad relationship. Mostly, this happens to guys. A guy will walk up to a girl that appears to be having a rough time and say, "Hi.. sorry if I'm bothering, but I noticed you didn't look all that happy and I thought I could cheer you up. My name's , by the way..", to which she responds, "I'm sorry, I just got out of a really bad relationship and I don't want a guy on the rebound." What amazes me is that people even stay together as long as they do. When you are hurting, seething, angry, and a hundred other emotions, you are more -you- than at any other time. You are down, your protection is gone. Your masks have faded away. More of the real you is visible, and it comes to the surface quite easily. So maybe, just maybe, that guy (or girl even) that came over to talk to you liked what they saw when they saw the real you, and wanted to get to know the real you. Wouldn't you want someone interested in the real you? It feels so much better when you don't have to hide things, or put on masks that cover up who you really are. Don't people understand that the ones that go up and offer to cheer them up are the good ones? Okay, sure, yeah, you were just in a bad relationship. Everyone has had one or two of those, and any good person can understand that and accept it. What I want to know is what's so bad about cheering someone up? What's so god-awful about a conversation between two people? It's not like the guy came up to you and said, "I bet I can fuck that frown right off your face." It's just -talking-. And who knows? Maybe you'll end up liking the person. Maybe they can cheer you up. Maybe it's worth it. It is worth it. I might be living proof of it. Yeah, life sucks and it hurts like a bitch, but if you just be yourself and forget about what others might think or feel, you might find that one person that might just accept you for who you are, and go further and decide they want you. There is so much in life. The colors, the music, the smells, the life of life.. all of it just sitting out there, waiting. Most people walk right on by without taking the moment to enjoy the brief moment they are truly here. Life moves pretty fast. If you don't slow down every once in a while, you might just miss it altogether. What a day. It's 1:17am. I need to get to sleep so I can run with Sam and Bubasti. I have a feeling we're gonna end up running together a little more often. So, off to bed I go. Just remember.. No matter what, just be yourself. It might take a day, a week, or a decade, but eventually either someone will decide that your true self is the one the way, or you'll end up having a string of relationships that will teach you more about yourself and bring you to perfect peace. Today's song lyric, from a song that sends chills through my body each time I hear it: I alone am the one you don't know you need, take heed, feed your ego make me blind when your eyes close, sink when you get close, tie me to the bed post I alone am the one you don't know you need, you don't know you need me make me blind when your eyes close, tie me to the bedpost Current Mood: ecstatic (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 11th, 2006
6:08 am	After midnight thoughts... I just spent the last couple hours on the phone with someone. She's the only one that really reads this board, and I have to wonder, after what I've realized tonight, if I did this... if I am writing this so she can know me. Is that conceited? Is it wrong? Like I told her tonight, I'm always asking questions, mostly about myself. One of my favorite is Why are you the way you are? I never really know, it seems. So, like I said, sitting on the phone, or laying, or hobbling around the place. Usually she calls only in the morning. I have to say I was pleased before the call. Now, I'm pleased and curious. Curious about her, yes, but also curious about myself. I look down at this little test that I took a while ago about what I look for when it comes to a relationship. Intelligence, then romance and similar interests tied for second. Have I been wrong all this time? Could one of these quirky little quizzes actually have something useful to say? I think maybe so. Thinking through the past girlfriends/relationships that I've had, I think about where their intelligence falls with mine. Only one was really up towards my level, and that was Yenia. Keri, Nicole, Sue, Crystal... the rest of them really didn't have any kind of raw intelligence. Yenia had the smarts, but we really didn't have similar interests. We had the romance. We definitely had that. So she had the big 1, and then 1 out of the other two. In fact, let's break this down a little bit more. I'll give 'points' to each of the girlfriends I've had, rate them all on this pie chart in my journal (by the way, I hate calling it a blog... just one of those words I really don't like. Like.. 'cunt', which is a story in and of itself that I will cover later, maybe tonight). Okay, so anyway, here we are. Intelligence ranks at 30.8 percent. Romance and Similar Interests at 23.1, then Kindness at 15.4 and Hotness at 7.7. To make it easier, I'm going to round each percentage off to a good fraction number. I recognize that all of these are close to the denominator of 8, so we'll go with that one. So, below, we can see what each category is worth. Intelligence: 30.8 -> 31 -> 32 -> 4 points Romance: 23.1 -> 23 -> 3 points Similar Interests: 23.1 -> 23 -> 3 points Kindness: 15.4 -> 16 -> 2 points Hotness: 7.7 -> 8 -> 1 point Mathematics (and pardon for this, but just calcuating some things in my head. Sorry if it makes your head hurt) tells me that there should be 12.5 points all told spread out between the five. We have 13, so we're in pretty good shape. Now, I will go through each of the girls that I've been with (some of them just briefly, since I am curious) and see how they "score". I think this could be kinda fun. Let's start. We have to start with Keri, since she was the "first". She was the first of many, many things. First kiss, first fuck, first blow job, first hand job... so, we start here. Intelligence... yeah, right. Seriously, she had a lot less intelligence than most of the others. She doesn't get any points there. Romance. Hrm, well, kinda. At the beginning there was, but with us being both teenagers, neither of us really understood what anything was, and she was, after all, the first. Unfortunately, for me, that meant that the relationship became -about- the sex, instead of just having the sex as a good addition. My fault, I know, but that cut down on the romantic feelings I had about her. Since this is my own personal scoring system, I'll give her half on that. 1.5 points. Similar interests. Not ever, unless you count the sex, which doesn't really count in my book. No points there. Kindness. Okay, so she was kind. Made me feel guilty enough when things finally did end up stopping. 2 points. Hotness... uhm, maybe back in high school, but definitely not now. Saw her recently, actually. She's not hot anymore, and I don't mean the fact that she's gained weight. I have found I either like the big girls or the small girls. She wasn't small in high school, but her hotness factor has definitely dropped. I'll give her .5 of the full point. That gives her 4 points total. Next, I'll move on to... Crystal. The ex-wife. Intelligence, not really. She's kinda smart, but not in the way that I can really, really talk to her. Never have felt totally comfortable around her, either. No points there. Romance... yes and no. This is turning out to be a hard category. What do you really score on with romance? Is it the loving feeling without the sex, or is it the good feelings you get while doing romantic things with them? I'm going to have to give Crystal the full points on this one. No matter which way you looked at it, we did have romance. Similar interests, no. Never have. Probably is why we haven't really gotten anywhere. That and the intelligence. Kindness... I'd say yes, but the whole divorce thing negates it, sorry. Hotness. Now this is what -I- think is hot, not what the populace at large would think, and for this, she gets the point. I've always wanted her badly. So she scores 4 as well. Yenia. Before I even get to the scoring, I think she'll probably score the highest of my ex-girlfriends for the simple fact that we were a really good match at the beginning. The ending was my fault (again), so I expect her score to be high. She gets 4 points for the intelligence, probably the only one on the Ex List, but I am going to have to deny her the 3 points for Romance. We didn't have a lot of 'romance' involved. We were together, yes, and I loved every moment of it, but we did hardly anything romantic. The one time we travelled together really stressed us both out (having to spend a lot of spring break holed up in my aunt's house in Crown Point, Indiana while a huge blizzard came through) and things continued to go downhill from there. Similar interests... probably another big reason why we split. We were going in very, VERY different directions. She was going on to better things while I was busy spirling downwards into depression, destruction, and drugs. Zero points. Kindness, she gets half the 2 points here because she was kind, but she could be really harsh at times too, though most of that was my own stupidity. Then hotness. Oh yeah. She gets the point here. How many girls that closely resemble Salma Hayek am I going to get the chance to fuck in the ass? Yeah, definite point there. She should get an extra point for liking and wanting to explore all kinds of kinks and stuff with me. Maybe I should start a new category? 1 extra point for being freaky and willing to experiment. It's my fucking test, I'll do what I want. So, 4 + 1 + 1 + 1 for a total of 7. Not a bad score. In case you're wondering, Keri gets 0 points for being 'open-minded', and Crystal should probably get a negative 1, but I'm not counting minuses here, just plusses. Their scores stand. On to the next... I guess it goes to Nicole. Let's get this one over quick. Intelligence. Yeah, right. Zero. Romance, I'll give her 1.5 out of 3. Similar interests, I'll go with another 1.5, since she and I did share a lot of interests. Kindness, zero. She had her moments, but in the end... nothing. Hotness. I knew there was a reason I wanted her. There's hot and then there's fucking HOT, and Nicole was that. She gets that point. She'll also get another for being open minded. She wasn't too keen on the feet thing, but any girl that -suggests- anal sex gets a point from me. In the end, she gets 5. Not as high as Yen, but higher than Keri and Crystal. Since we're just having a little bit of fun here, we'll throw in Sue, nicknamed 'Psycho Sue'. I should probably throw in Lisa too, since we're at it, so maybe I will. Sue first, though. I actually fucked her. Kinda. Intelligence, no. Romance, I'll go 1.5. We did have romance (if anything at all). Similar interests... no. She wanted to get drunk and go out and party. I was ready to settle down and help raise her baby daughter (makes me wonder where you are now, Sue). Kindness, nah, not really. Hotness she'll get half a point. She tasted good. She doesn't get a point for open mindedness. I didn't know her well enough for that, and she didn't seem all that interested in me. Oh, but Sue, if you ever do read this, thanks for the acid that one night. It was killer. Sue's score: 2. Lisa, then. She was partly intelligence, which gives her 2. Romance, no. We had one 'date', which was basically a dinner at Papa's where she said she likes anal sex. Breaking with the rules here a bit. She gets 1 point for open mindedness. Similar interests, nope. She wanted drugs. Kindness... nope. She was kind in her own way, but not really. Hotness, she'll get a point on that. Not as hot as Nicole or Yenia, but still... (as my friend on the phone would say) yum. I'd give her 4 points, but she gets half a point taken off because she said she wanted to fuck me but didn't want to hurt my relationship with Sue. Ha! Take that! I win. Score: 3.5. That pretty much takes care of all the girlfriends (and should-have-been) that I want to include. I could add Kristin and even Merielle, but... a lot of the time I spent with them was either confused (by adolescence), otherwisely motivated (to make Nicole jealous), or just too short. Yeah, my fling with Sue was short too, but at least I had sex with her. You can learn a lot from someone after you have sex with them. Sounds rather shallow and cheap, but if you think about it, there is a bit of truth in it. What does your partner/lover do afterwards? Cuddle, talk, sleep, hail a cab? Now, we are going to move to the murky world of online love and relationships. I can't really keep this out of the equation, because it has had a big impact on me. I haven't had a lot of online relationships, but one stands out, even over the real life relationships I've had. I'm curious how she will score. First, I'll start with Kassi. Not her real name, but she has the same name as someone else on this list so I don't want to confuse her. Thus, the use of her online 'name'. Kassi is a nice girl. She lives in Canada, not too far away from me. I think I once calculated that it'd be about a six or seven hour drive up to see her, depending on weather. Unfortunately, we don't get a lot of time to talk anymore, which is a little too bad. While I don't think I'd ever have real feelings for her, I know her and I would be totally harmonious in bed and in other aspects of a hypothetical relationship. Intelligence, though, she doesn't score. She's a sweet girl and all, but she hasn't really struck me with any kind of ability to talk about things. When we talk, it's mostly sexual or focused more on our daddy/daughter relationship. Romance, eh. I'd have to give her a zero here, mostly again because we don't really communicate. I don't really -know- her at all, which is kinda sad. She seems nice, but I keep getting this feeling that I'm not getting the whole picture. Similar interests... I'll have to give her 3 points. While I don't know much about her, what I -do- know syncs up with me pretty well. Again, makes me wonder what else there is, but she does get the full points. Kindness, yeah, I'll give her half the two points. Only half because I'm not sure if she is fully kind or just is online. Even when I talk to her on the phone she is quiet a lot. Hotness, she doesn't score. I'm not really all that physically attracted to her. I've seen her on cam a few times. She has her cuteness, but it's not really all that much and I'm not drawn to her physically, which is what I'm figuring 'hotness' means. For open-mindedness, she gets the extra point there. She doesn't know the whole me, either, but she hits about 90 percent of what I'd be looking for in this category, so she gets the point. Kassi scores, all told, 5 points. Wow, higher than Keri. I'm surprised with that. Second, and who I think might score up around Yenia, we come to Amy. There is rarely anyone in my life that can really stop my life from proceeding, and the situation with Amy is like that. Amy's never held me back, but the situation as it is, won't ever change, I believe. Intelligence, I'll give her 2 out of 4 possible. She has her moments, and she's definitely smarter than Keri and Crystal. Romance... hrm. It's hard to be romantic with someone online, and some of the things she's said recently make me question some of who she is. There are some people who actually pose/say online what they'd do or what they want. Sometimes I'm just not sure anymore. She won't score anything there. Similar interests, we have quite a few, though a lot of the times she's too sick to really do anything except talk. I'll give her 1.5 on that because a lot of the time, she's not wanting to do what I want to do. Nothing bad in that, but it drains on what we can do together. Kindness, she gets 2 points, no questions asked. Hotness, unfortunately, she scores 0. Call it retribution for never being able to see her, and probably never will (not even a photograph, mind you), but telling me what you look like is a far cry from seeing it for myself. On the bonus point of open-mindedness, I'd give her three points, but I'm only awarding a maximum of 1, which she gets, hands-down, easily. She scores 6.5. Interesting. I kinda thought she'd score higher than Yenia. Goes to show you how much intelligence really means, I guess. Now we come to the person I started out talking about in this entry. The person that made me start thinking about all this stuff. There are very, VERY few people that can truly get me to think. Yenia did, to a point. Amy didn't, or hasn't, whichever way you want to look at it. The others... never really. Maybe once in a blue moon, but very rarely. Like I said earlier, I've been in several online 'relationships', including exclusive (with Yenia before I met her) and open (like with Kassi). They run the range from being just snuggle-partners to full sub-dom relationships. Looking through my "real life" friends, only Jack and Krissi can truly make me think, and I think that's because they know (at least mostly) who I am. They know how my mind works. They can look at things that I've looked at for hours, and show me a different perspective I never thought of before. It might not last long, maybe only a few moments, but it does happen. But this person... the woman I talked to on the phone tonight for a couple hours, some of which while she was taking a bath (I could hear the water splashing in the background), has been able to make me -think-. She has an intelligence I haven't really run across in someone that I am attracted to since Yenia, and I think that I identify more with her because Yenia's intelligence is more in factual, rational things. My newest friend (and I do -not- use that term lightly... friend, I mean) has a raw intelligence that questions, that strives, that LOOKS. Gods, do you know how refreshing that is? To be able to be on the phone, talking to them, and be totally thrown off by something they say... to be stunned into silence because I haven't ever thought of things the way she just described them. It's been a long time since I've found someone that stimulates my mind like this. This is what made me think about this test that I took, the one that said that intelligence was the quality that I look for most. Yenia had it, but it wasn't the right -kind- of intelligence. I want someone I can communicate with. Someone I can argue with. I don't mean a fight, but I mean someone I can sit down with and just start a conversation about anything in the fucking world, and we'd both go through every single angle of the subject, and we'd both offer our own insights. I hope I'm making myself clear to this point. Feeling my mind stimulated is a wonderous thing. I've been told that I have enough raw intelligence that I can do, basically, anything. I was told, when I was in high school, that if I didn't score a 32 on my ACT, I would have to take it again because the teachers knew I was that smart. You only need a 27 or 28 to get into an Ivy League school, and most high school graduates score about a 19 or so. I scored a 31 and didn't take it again. Fucking boring test. Anyway, what I mean to say is that I have the raw intelligence. It has never really been 'refined' because the only ways our society refines intelligence is in school and college, and it just never was for me. I'm not a student of books, I'm a student of me. I am a student of life. Jack and Krissi have similar attributes. They are smart, maybe not as smart as me (if you keep telling me something about myself over and over, I'll eventually believe it. Thanks, guys. Now I'm not only smart, I know I'm smart), but they still excersize my mind quite well about various things. It's too bad that Jack is focused more on sports and such. Sometimes I can drag him into a big philosophical discussion about things going on. Don't think that when we talk philosophically, we get all Socratic or Platonic. We just... talk. Same with Krissi. Getting way off track here. I guess I have a lot to say. Okay, so since she is probably the only one that is going to actually read this, I'll use her name. Sam and I have gotten into some deep discussions over the past couple weeks or so. She's stimulated my mind quite well. I can't say it's never been this stimulated before... it's too early for that. But she's doing a damn good job of making me think, making me question, make me look. Okay, so, yeah, a lot of our discussions end up being focused around sex or emotions and a lot about what each other is like, what we are going through. That's the beginning of friendships. That's the way things proceed. When a friendship starts, that's what you talk about... the things you have in common. Being in our 20s, we are both dealing with emotions, problems, and the searching to fill up that hole inside us with love. We talk about what we have in common, which is sex (I mean, who in their 20s hasn't these days?) and the similar experiences we've been through. Take, for instance, the fact that she's a cutter, just like I was, and still have the capacity to be again if I fall far enough. She's at the point where I was a few years ago, where the cutting wasn't doing anything. It wasn't helping much at all. We talked about that on a couple different occassions, and we've both offered our own views on it. She's opened my eyes to it in ways I never thought before, and I hope that I've helped her with her own desire to cut herself, at least partly. So, since we are rating ex-girlfriends and 'online relationships' (are they really worth it? I have to wonder), let's go ahead and put Sam through the same rating system and see how she stacks up. I'm rather curious where she will end up. Before I do this, I have to say that I had absolutely NO idea what anyone would score through this. I thought about each person through each category and assigned a number. Frankly, I thought Amy would score higher than Yenia, and that Nicole would score lower than Keri. Shows how much I know, huh? Okay, so, on with Sam... (or is that, get on Sam?) Let's start with the intelligence. Okay, like I said, this is what made me start thinking about this. She's got the smarts. Her intelligence is raw, untamed, unpolished, but it's becoming focused and that makes it incredibly attractive and alluring. Sometimes I have to be rather blunt to make sure I'm not being too subtle (and hope to christ that I don't scare her off), but more often than not, we are able to slide into a discussion about whatever topic comes up and just go with it. I can't do that with many people at all. Four points there. Second is romance. This is going to kinda tie in with similar interests, I think. I desire romance, and I don't mean taking someone out on dates and dinner and such just so I can get them home and in bed. There's more to romance than that. I have come to the thought that romance, the way I see it, is the sex for the mind. It's the way to be attracted to in a way that isn't physical. Online is definitely a great way to figure this one out, to be honest, and that makes me really wonder if I'd actually -be- compatible with Amy. Sam says that she's a natural cuddle-bug and snuggle-slut (another word I don't particularly care for, but in this context, I feel a little bit more accepting. It doesn't grate on my nerves, at least). Unfortunately, I can't be totally sure about this, not until I'd actually be able to meet her..... okay, pause a sec here. I have to admit, if I ever were to meet Sam, I'd be so incredibly nervous. Probably one of the good reasons why I'm not planning on making the birthday, among other good reasons... unpause... and with the recent revelation by Amy, it makes me question things more. Do I feel a romantic attachment, though? Damn, this is the hardest one to figure out, because it really is so open to interpretation. Am I attracted to her mind? Yes. Am I sure she'd want to do the romantic stuff that I enjoy doing, like cuddling and snuggling? I -think- so. Part of me is cautious on this, but the other says to let her have the benefit of the doubt. Okay, so, going with the three full points here, too. Similar interests. Gah, fuck, another hard one. Non-sexual, yes, definitely. Sexually, yes... to the extent of my knowledge. Meaning, a lot of the things that interests her are things that either a) I've never done with someone, or b) never even thought of doing with someone. I guess that's part of what intrigues me. At least she draws mostly the same lines I do. A few things are amiss, but none of it really "turns me off" or anything. Heh. Can't believe this, but because the sheer amount of other things we have in common (music, comedy, gaming, talking, cuddling, watching movies as opposed to TV, eating good food, tea, and a host of other things I find out every time I talk to her), I have to give her the full three points. So, right now, before we get into the "little" things, she's already scored ten points, three more than Yenia, three and a half more than Amy. Goddamn... is this for fucking real? What comes next? Oh, yes, Kindness. Unfortunately, I can't give the full points here. She has been totally kind to me, yes, but I've seen a meaner streak in her. Not that it's a bad thing. Everyone needs to have a hard edge, where they become tough and stand up for themselves instead of taking whatever is given. However, just some of the things said (and not to me, mind you) kinda give me a little pause. I'm not expecting everyone to have total kindness. Everyone that has been around me for any amount of time knows that I've got a hell of a mean streak in me, especially if I don't like someone. But what am I really grading here? What am I rating? Does it really matter to me how she treats other people? Yes and no. The ability to treat others the way you want to be treated. It's the Wiccan credo. Then I have to think, does she want to be called a slut or a cunt? Perhaps. I can't be certain. But calling her that would make me feel so incredibly guilty. I can call other people I don't like those names behind their backs, but using them as accusatory phrases, no. So, I can only give Sam 1 point, but don't feel all that bad, babe. I'd only be able to give myself 1 point on this one, and that's because I do have a kindness to me for people I care about. Others, I couldn't give a shit about. Hotness. Well, heh. At least I've seen a picture of her, and I thought she was all that and a bag of Doritos (not the generic chips.. the real deal, you know?). Physical looks really aren't all that big for me, which is why it's only 1 point, but it does count to something. Being able to be physically attracted to a partner/lover is an added bonus, but isn't the Real Big Thing. Doesn't matter to me that she said she put on some weight. Like I said, I tend to like them large or small. Haven't really been with anyone that's small. In fact, looking at all the people I ever fooled around with (meaning, I found them attractive, either physically or mentally), I see a trend forming here... let's do a quick digress here to take a look at it. First, let's list all the girls I've done anything with, either online or "real life". Keri B, Yenia, Renay, Nicole, Miranda, Heather, Kassi, Amy, Heather, Sue, Keri S, Michaela, Lisa (different from the one above), Beth, Sam. There's one girl whose name I don't remember right now, for the life of me. I'll call her SG (short for Satan Girl). Okay, now let's break these down into three groups. Small, Medium, and Large. There isn't any kind of 'weight limit' to this. I'm going by what society deems these terms. Normally, I wouldn't do something like this, but it helps to illustrate the point. Small: Nicole, Miranda, Heather, Amy Middle: Lisa Large: Keri B, Yenia, Renay, Kassi, Sue, Keri S, Michaela, SG, Beth, and Sam. See the pattern forming? So, I don't make any kind of distinction, really, when it comes to size for Hotness. And such, Sam gets the point here. Now we move on to open-mindedness. She gets the point, and that's all I have to say about that. Tallying up all these points and figuring out where things actually sit in the end... one moment please... Sam: 12 points Yenia: 7 points Amy: 6.5 points Nicole: 5 points Kassi: 5 points Keri: 4 points Crystal: 4 points Lisa: 3.5 points Sue: 2 points So, there you have it. By a large margin, too. All this is going to do is make me think more. Goddamn it. It's only 5:19 now. Still have a couple hours before I can really feel sleepy. Time for another cigarette..... Ahh, nicotine. What can I say, I have an oral fixation and I get real edgy without some nicotine. Makes me kinda sad that I'm that weak. Gah. *ponders* Well, since this whole little thing has been about Sam (and since no one else as far as I know reads this), I guess I should say something directly to her, huh? Thank you for being a friend, Sam. You have been a refreshing splash of cold water on a sun-parched and dry face that has squinted through far too many lonely sunrises. I can only hope that our friendship will continue to grow into whatever it is destined to be. You've touched my mind, and my heart, with such deft quickness that it's left me stunned. From here on out, this post is going to be very... emotional. Please don't be upset with it. It's merely me examining things inside myself. Some words may get tossed around with a frank casualness that seems... well... creepy... but I'm only being truthful to myself. If anything in the following makes you feel uneasy, I apoligize beforehand and please let me know. Since I am baring myself here for basically you and you alone, I don't want to antagonize my only reader. Okay, here goes... =========================================================== I've always had an inkling in the back of my mind that something just wasn't sitting right. Something was amiss. Not with the world, or even with me personally, but something just... wasn't -right-. I have such a complex personality (everyone does, really) that I've only learned part of what and who I am. Each person that's come into my life has given me a glimpse of what I really have inside me. Some people have shown me hate, some people have shown me kindness. Others have shown me friendship, while others show me what betrayal really feels like. When I examine the relationships I've been in, I've noticed something peculiar. I've noticed it since I was with Nicole, and it continues to hold up through everything else. As I move through life and go through different relationships, I realize that, as time goes on, when I fall in love, I fall harder each successive time. With Keri, it wasn't really love. It was lust and hormones. With Yenia, it was more like true love, but was still confusing. After Yenia came Nicole, and I was taught more about what true love and passion are. Then I moved on to Amy, and she taught me about acceptance and the deep devotion love can really bring. I -had- thought that Amy was the last. For nearly six years (the longest relationship so far, by the way), I thought I had hit the pennicle of Love. I had reached the top, finally. Now, as I see the relationship starting to slip away and change into something else... I can't describe what at this point... I have to think that Amy might not be the last. The simple fact is, I won't ever be with Amy. Online is one thing, and I thought for a while it'd be all I needed. Why worry about living with someone and maybe not working out when it can stay online and be "perfect" the way it is? Why have to worry about physically pleasing someone when I could just mentally do it over the net and over the phone? Six years is a long time, though. Over the past couple of years, I've been having this nagging doubt. This feeling that says "you aren't meant for each other", and that's fucking painful. She has accepted every single part of me, and has even relished in it. She was totally devoted to me. Then I had to come home. When I visited Iowa from Kansas City to come to my high school reunion, I had a strong urge to go see Twyla. I have to admit that in the past couple of years, I've felt my biological clock begin to click, getting louder and louder. It's not so loud right now, but there are times... sometimes it's the only thing I can hear. So, I went to see Twyla, and gods... every time I see that kid, I fall in love with her again. It aches me now just to think of it, and I can feel my eyes beginning to tear up threateningly. C'mon, control yourself. Finish this. I went to Crystal's father's home. Twyla was there visiting. I wanted to get in touch with Twyla again, and maybe even Crystal. I did, and I ended up taking Crystal to my reunion as my date. Things started to start from there. I felt myself getting attached to Crystal again, but not because I was in love with her. I love her, yes, and I love her still. But I saw a family without a father, and my insides just -screamed- at me to jump at the chance, so I did. Over the next couple months, I decided to move back here to "spend time with Crystal and Twyla". Yeah, like that's happening. I've seen her maybe five or six times since I've been back (and I moved back in September). It also had the effect of driving a wedge between myself and Amy, and I don't think it's gone away. We're still close, but there is that lingering feeling... something isn't right... it isn't going to work out. Today, the wedge was replaced with a bigger one. I have to admit, I was kinda hurt by what she said. I wanted to assure her that I could handle it, but I'm not sure I'd be able to. I was told today... or yesterday... that even though she likes cuddles and hugs and loves being close, there are many times she just wants to be left alone. I wish I had known that earlier. See, she's sick. Very sick. Three distinct illnesses course through her body, and because of this, I'm not allowed to see her. Six years, and not even a picture. Am I a fool, or do I just love too hard? I don't like the thought of myself being a fool, so I think I love too hard. I wear my heart on my fucking shirtsleeve, ready to be grabbed up by the next person to come along. Is it going to be another Amy that claims my heart? Someone that I can trust and love and feel totally safe to be myself with? Or will it be someone that just uses it for whatever they want and then blow their nose on it and walk away? I have no idea, but I'm not going to stop wearing my heart where everyone can see it. I know the value of my heart. I know what it can take and what it can't. I know there's someone out there that will truly understand the person that I am and accept it. I thought it was Amy, but I can't do this anymore. I can't remain alone forever. What's scary is I can see myself at 40, even 50, living this same way. It scares me to no end. I just want someone I can hold. I just want someone I can be myself around. I want someone I can explore with, learn more about myself and learn more about them in the process. I want a good friend that I can get into deep conversations with, and yet still have the desire to carry things to the next level. I want someone that's not unreachable. I want someone I can just -talk- to, someone to be with. Not every moment of every day. I know there's only so much of me anyone can take, and we all need our alone time. Is there someone out there like that? Is there someone that piques my interest so much that it starts to really affect what I think and feel? I'm not sure. I'd like to think there is, but I have to be so careful. I cup my hands around a delicate flower and hope it will receive enough sunshine to continue to bloom into the beautiful full plant it will one day become. My tears will water the flower, my warmth will nourish it. The hands that hold it will protect it from the wind and other predators. The gentleness will encourage the flower to become stronger by realizing what its best qualities are and draw upon those to become that full plant. But in the back of my mind, I wonder if I'm worth it. I wonder if anyone will take the time to get to know me and why I act this way. Why I am who I am. I hear the flower calling out to me, asking me to take care of it, and I have this strong urge to, but something holds me back. I think it's fear. The fear of damaging that delicate, beautiful flower. It's been through so much, so many tough times. Would I be enough? Would I be able to quiet the winds that threaten to pull it into the vast unknown? Will my tears give enough water? Will my warmth nourish it enough? The flower can't answer, because it doesn't know itself. It just wants to belong somewhere, to someone. It wants to be taken, it wishes to be made into what it's supposed to be. It wants to be pulled from the vine, to be broken, and owned. The flower warns me that it's roots are quick to grasp, quick to break the surface and dig deep, and I am forced to tell the flower that my hands are quick to hold as well. I feel a sharp pain in my skin as the roots dig in, seeking out my blood for its own health, but I don't waver. I force my heart to beat harder and faster, to bring more of the life-giving blood to the suckling roots to nourish the bloom, and I watch it slowly start to get stronger. There are days, though, that the flower seems to fade a little bit, become a bit listless, frustrated, even confused. A flower isn't born knowing how to be a flower. It has to learn along the way, and it's not an easy process. All I can do during these times is to continue to hold it close, letting it reach into me, draw away the warmth within me. The warmth doesn't leave, though. That's the nature of the connection. The warmth I give to the flower doesn't make me cold. It makes me warmer. Each time the flower sips a little of me, there is more of me to replace what's lost. I just hope I don't lose this flower along the way. It truly is beautiful, even if it can't see it for itself. I can feel myself falling so hard for this blooming splash of color against the pale hands that hold it. What am I being drawn into? What does the flower think? What does she feel? Yes, it's a she, I know that now. I can feel that now, even as I feel myself getting tugged forward. Is it the roots? Is it the flower's beauty? What is it? Why can't I control it? Would I really want to if I could? Where will this end? I can't find any of these answers here, inside my mind. I think it's time I get out before I lose myself. ===================================================== 6:06 am. I should probably get to sleep so I can get up "early" tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'm going in to work or not just yet. Will have to see how the ankle feels. It's okay now, but I remember sometimes waking up when my ankle was busted after sleeping on it wrong. That can hurt worse than the actual injury. And to the one person that reads these mumblings... thank you. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 9th, 2006
4:31 pm	whose mistake am i, anyway? Valentine's Day is approaching again, and I am still alone. I rarely put any kind of emotion into semi-holidays like Valentine's Day. To me, it seems like a good way for the chocolate companies to make some money before the big Easter rush. If I remember my history lessons correctly, the man who Valentine's Day is named after was something of a lady's man, and after having wooed the wrong woman into the bedchamber, was arrested and sentenced to death, either by beheading or hanging. I think it was beheading. There isn't a lot of things that really bother me. At least, I used to think so. I've come to realize more parts of me... the baser emotions, the more animal instincts. Stripping away the "good guy" on the top, I've come to view the pieces underneath me, the blocks that are holding me up precariously. When I look down at them, they shudder a little bit under the scrutiny, and under my shifting weight. Like children's blocks, they are multi-faced, and on each face, there is a different symbol, standing for a different facet of my underneath. Very carefully, I examine the blocks. I don't want to fall back into the animalistic side of myself. I have to admit, I like control. I like to feel like I'm God, or a god. The things the blocks tell me reaffirm what I am, instead of someone else. Anger. I was surprised at how easily this emotion was brought to the surface. Yes, I was tired. It was time to go home. But someone I don't even know was able to rile me into anger so quickly. I nearly left my job last night because of it. Fear. A sharp feeling, not unlike anger, but quite different as well. So many little things can cause fear on a small scale. It's the big ones that really shake you to your core, and me to mine as well. Jealousy. I thought I was over this one. I thought this one wasn't a part of me anymore. Seems like I was wrong. The Unnamed One. I can't figure out a name for this feeling. It's something like depression and sadness, but it also includes lonliness, powerlessness, frustration, and some others that I can't think of at the moment. This is the one that crashes into me every now and again, as it did last night. A sudden onrush of emotion that nearly knocked me to my knees. I feel like (felt like) collapsing and just curling up, closing my eyes and blocking out everything. Why is it coming back to this? What has changed? What has made me feel this way? Powerless, angry, fearful? Is this some kind of carousel I'm travelling around on? Every so often, I feel great, every so often, I feel bad? It's like I have my own version of PMS, though it doesn't come around every month. In fact, the last time I felt like this was back... over two years ago, when Nicole "came back" into my life. I threw almost all my energy into trying to help her, figuring I owed her something. Maybe I did, for the way things ended, for the things I said to her. Sunk a lot of time and energy (not to mention money), and now she hardly ever talks to me. Fuck this. Why do I let things like this happen? Screw it, I'm putting up my walls. I'm putting up the barriers. I'm tired. I'm so very tired of all of this. Of being lonely, of being angry. Are these the true emotions below me? What's become of me lost in my own dark depths where nothing can reach and nothing can save the angel changes faces dripping sugar from her open hand i bow my head to drink and the honey turns to blood the angel changes faces and i know i've been fooled again she loves to make me think whose mistake am i anyway? what's become of me lost in my own confusion where i can't reach anything and the honey turns to blood Current Mood: depressed (Comment on this)
Monday, February 6th, 2006
7:03 am	Okay, since I was asked nicely, I'll put the answers here. IF YOU ARE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, OR IF I AM ON YOURS, FILL THIS OUT AS A REPLY TO THIS POST: 1. name: Collier Mitchel Marinos (born Kollier Randolph Shorten) 2. birthday: 12/8/76 3. place of residence: currently, Mason City, Iowa 4. what makes you happy: This is a rather long list. It changes constantly. 5. what are you listening to now/have listened to last: Right now, A Perfect Circle - Passive (WinAMP on random play) 6. do you read my lj: Yes. 7. if you do, what is particularly good/bad about it: I like the openness and honesty. 8. an interesting fact about you: I once poured a whole box of Gain into a fountain here just after graduating high school. The FBI investigated because it caused $60,000+ worth of damage. I really hope the FBI doesn't monitor these things... and yes, I am being truthful. 9. are you in love/have a crush at the moment: Yes. 10. favourite place to be: In bed or at the computer. Both at the same is almost too much. 11. favourite lyric: Honestly, might come from this song: Wake up and face me, don't play dead cuz maybe someday I will walk away and say you fucking disappoint me, maybe you're better of this way 12. best time of the year: early autumn. 13. weirdest food you like: I have no idea, actually. I like almost everything. 14. do farts make you laugh: Depends on who I'm with. RECOMMEND 1. a film: Pi. 2. a book: All of them. Reading is good. Start with the Dark Tower series. 3. a band, a song and an album: Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile, or Aphex Twin - Richard D James album. PLUS 1. one thing you like about me: your openness. 2. two things you like about yourself: my attitude towards things in general, and the fact I do what I like to do, regardless of anything. I live for myself and live to make myself happy. 3. put this in your lj so i can tell you what i think of you. 4. POST A PICTURE OF you - You've already seen me. (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 29th, 2006
1:22 pm	Just some Test Results <td align="center">Intelligence Intelligence is most important in a boyfriend/girlfriend. You like to be able to talk about everything that is on your mind, and if your partner can't keep up, well, you know. You are very attracted to someone who can challenge you, and make you see things in a whole new way. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td> <td> <table border="0" width="450" bgcolor="#000000"> Your arch-nemesis is: Captain Kirk Why? Because they cheated at twister The winner will be... They are going to kill you Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com </td> </table> <td align="center"> Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td> <td> <table border="0" width="450" bgcolor="#000000"> You'll become a millionaire on: Sunday January 15th, 2009 What's the first thing that you'll buy? One of those singing fishes (they exist right?) Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com </td> </table> <td> <table border="0" width="450" bgcolor="#000000"> You will take over Slovakia using only the help of the Green Lantern Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com </td> </table> <td align="center" style="background: #000000; color: #FFFFFF;">Collier's Random Movie Quote: 'I'm just a sweet transvestite, from Transsexual Transylvania.' - Frank, Rocky Horror Picture Show Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td> (Comment on this)